24 Things (Vol. 6)

Abe & Ty & Ande,

At last, Volume 6. I hope you’ve anticipated it as much as Zelda and Return of the King.

21. Our parents are REALLY funny. Like a proud mother, I could post regularly all the entertaining things they say, but I’ll just post my two favorites for the year.

Dad’s happened this past year when he was helping me replace my dented bumper. He had to saw through a little cable with the mini-me saw he is holding up. He was under there getting frustrated; cursing the metric system, foreign car makers, and me (I think). I was standing/sitting by offering encouragement like, “Go Dad! You sure are handy.” At one point, he didn’t know I was there and he starts mumbling again. All I could make out was this, “Juxg taxst duhh purtch I’M urrrghhhh NOTHING BUT A urrrghhhh DAMN urrrghhhh BEAVER sawing through this cable.” I was silently laughing so hard! I couldn't laugh out loud or else he would know he was funny, then he would start trying to be funny. When he tries to be funny... he isn't quite AS funny (a lot of funnies for one thought). Good thing I didn’t laugh out loud though, he later mumbled his identity as the Birdman of Alcatraz and yelled, “San Francisco, here I come!”

Mom’s happened this past year when I went out to watch her feed her chickens and collect the eggs. I stayed outside the coop and just offered moral support, because I didn’t want to go in the coop and get cooties. I heard her collecting the eggs and commenting, “WOW, someone in here has Dirty-Butt.” I about died laughing. Sure enough, when she came back out with her eggs, someone in there did have Dirty-Butt. I asked her when she’d last come out to collect the eggs. She replied, “It’s been about 4 days, and from the looks of it one of them needed me to come out a little earlier.” The chickens were all the way out of food, so I think that was probably true. My theory on the matter is that starvation led to dysentery and that resulted in a bad case of “Dirty Butt.”

Thing learned, sometimes when you type out the funny things your parents say, it makes you sound like a bunch of rednecks.


22. Near Naples, Italy there is a tunnel called the Tunnel of Psillipo. It is really tall and narrow. It is like 80 feet tall and 20 feet wide. It is a half mile long. It was built by the Romans and has a tomb for some important guy. But the coolest thing of all is… This long narrow tunnel is totally illuminated by the sun only once each year… at sunset on Halloween. I’m not sure if this true, but it sounds so cool that I’m going to decide to BELIEVE it wholly and completely. Thing learned, if you’re going to see the Tunnel of Psillipo, go on October 31st.


23. Sometimes police men will pull you over because you have a dirty license plate. What do they say when they come up to your window? They say, “No big deal ma’am, but your license plate is dirty and it makes it hard to read.” What do I say in return, “Uhhhh, okay.” LOOONG AWKWARD PAUSE. Then they say, " So maybe just get that cleaned." Then they just walk away and get in their car. Thing learned, the conversation with a policeman upon getting pulled-over always ends awkwardly. Always.

24. Martha Stewart has given me an idea of what to do with all the giant fungi that grow in our yard. If these things grow back this summer, I’m going to make it into one of these. Thing learned, Martha can make ANYTHING look sophisticated.

Photographed by Roland Bello in Martha Stewart LIVING magazine