Monday, April 28, 2008

I Made This Joke Up

(Ashli with her hand on our neighbor boy's back)

I have to fight the urge to start all posts out like Randy Jackson.

“So listen up, dogg. Here’s the thing.”

Ashli, after I read your pun laced blog entitled “Rook On, Chess Gang,” I remembered that you’re the pun master. I also remembered that puns are infectious. Once you start thinking about them, you can’t stop thinking about them. Pretty soon you’re using all willpower to prevent yourself from verbalizing them, and should one slip out, you’re trying not to snort at your own cleverness.

Well, unfortunately, for the past two weeks I’ve been thinking up puns like crazy. A few slipped out. I kept most in. One of them I even formatted as a joke. Here it is… my brainchild.

Q: Where does a lion go to add or drop a class?


My mom thought it was funny. My dad didn’t get it.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Put that in your book

Deep Thoughts: So, how about the footage of that man that got stuck in the elevator for 41 hours in 1999? When I saw the portion of the clip where he is lying on the floor with his hands behind his head I wondered what he was thinking about... what I would have thought about. I wasted 2 minutes thinking about that; guess that means that should the stuck elevator opportunity present, finding 41 hours of entertaining thought will be effortless. No Ty, I wouldn’t calculate ridiculously high number’s square roots.

Good Buy: I'm thinking about buying one of these (above) so I can sleep on the trampoline this summer. I really want to buy one of these (below), because it is cheaper and doesn't look quite as nerdy, but I'm not sure how I'd hang it. Actually I have an idea on how to hang it, but knowing me, there is a 97% chance it will fall on me in the night. My blanket & couch cushion forts were ALWAYS the most fragile. Nothing's changed.

Road Trip: a journey via automobile, sometimes unplanned or impromptu. Until this year, I always felt a little depressed when people mentioned college road trips. Maybe not depressed, but definitely did a mental curse of, “another college experience you didn’t seize.” But really, how do you have a road trip on an island? That’s called a circle. Though I don’t have the college label to prefix ”road trip,” I do have Calvin and Jane. In the beginning, it was a big red/tan two toned jacked-up suburban, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle read aloud, and cassettes with every gunfighter ballad ever sung. Over the years it has morphed. The jacked-up suburban died. If Jane tries to read aloud, she soothingly reads herself to sleep on the first page. But Marty Robbins, Sons of the Pioneers, and Frankie Laine… you and your gun ballads live on. Calvin and Jane, thanks for 24.9 years of entertaining road trips, especially the one in July of 2007. I think Abe, Ty, Ande, and I got some comical advice out of that one.

Killing bugs: I found the above pictured documentary on bugs at the library last year. As I watched it for the first time, I honestly stared open-mouthed in fascination/repulsion. The kind of open-mouth where your jaw dropped and you forgot to snap it back shut. Ever since, it has been my favorite documentary. If we’re being really honest it is contender for my favorite movie of all genres. One whole portion was dedicated to different wasp species. Wasps are the meanEST insect. A majority of wasp species lay their eggs inside another living organism (ie: other insects, plants, and even cows) with the idea that they will live off the organism as a parasite, eventually killing it.
I found a wasp in the windowsill today. I captured him in jar and left him on the counter. My mom found him and asked why I was saving him. I replied I hadn’t decided what to do with him yet, maybe just study him. Ande hollered from the other room, “Okay Hitler.” Suddenly I’m in a dilemma. I have a wasp in a jar, and I don’t know whether moral dictates death or release.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A hero, not a faun

The 3 best parts about watching Becoming Jane last night:

1. Not being able to see the hero as “the Hero,” but instead seeing Mr. Tumnus. With great concentration the goat legs and horns eventually melted away.

2. Good, hard advice like, “Affection is desirable. Money is absolutely indispensible!” and, “Nothing destroys spirit like poverty.” Funny, lately I’ve been mentally arguing the opposite. In this mental argument, I’ve seriously worried that money might beat out affection. With the added ammunition of those quotes… ?

3. “The man is a booby.” It’s comical that hearing/writing the word “booby” can still make you cover your mouth and giggle. “Booby,” what a heinous word.

BONUS: A semi-tragic ending. Nothing makes a movie better than everything NOT working out. Just think Simon Birch.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

24 Things (Vol. 6)

Abe & Ty & Ande,

At last, Volume 6. I hope you’ve anticipated it as much as Zelda and Return of the King.

21. Our parents are REALLY funny. Like a proud mother, I could post regularly all the entertaining things they say, but I’ll just post my two favorites for the year.

Dad’s happened this past year when he was helping me replace my dented bumper. He had to saw through a little cable with the mini-me saw he is holding up. He was under there getting frustrated; cursing the metric system, foreign car makers, and me (I think). I was standing/sitting by offering encouragement like, “Go Dad! You sure are handy.” At one point, he didn’t know I was there and he starts mumbling again. All I could make out was this, “Juxg taxst duhh purtch I’M urrrghhhh NOTHING BUT A urrrghhhh DAMN urrrghhhh BEAVER sawing through this cable.” I was silently laughing so hard! I couldn't laugh out loud or else he would know he was funny, then he would start trying to be funny. When he tries to be funny... he isn't quite AS funny (a lot of funnies for one thought). Good thing I didn’t laugh out loud though, he later mumbled his identity as the Birdman of Alcatraz and yelled, “San Francisco, here I come!”

Mom’s happened this past year when I went out to watch her feed her chickens and collect the eggs. I stayed outside the coop and just offered moral support, because I didn’t want to go in the coop and get cooties. I heard her collecting the eggs and commenting, “WOW, someone in here has Dirty-Butt.” I about died laughing. Sure enough, when she came back out with her eggs, someone in there did have Dirty-Butt. I asked her when she’d last come out to collect the eggs. She replied, “It’s been about 4 days, and from the looks of it one of them needed me to come out a little earlier.” The chickens were all the way out of food, so I think that was probably true. My theory on the matter is that starvation led to dysentery and that resulted in a bad case of “Dirty Butt.”

Thing learned, sometimes when you type out the funny things your parents say, it makes you sound like a bunch of rednecks.

22. Near Naples, Italy there is a tunnel called the Tunnel of Psillipo. It is really tall and narrow. It is like 80 feet tall and 20 feet wide. It is a half mile long. It was built by the Romans and has a tomb for some important guy. But the coolest thing of all is… This long narrow tunnel is totally illuminated by the sun only once each year… at sunset on Halloween. I’m not sure if this true, but it sounds so cool that I’m going to decide to BELIEVE it wholly and completely. Thing learned, if you’re going to see the Tunnel of Psillipo, go on October 31st.

23. Sometimes police men will pull you over because you have a dirty license plate. What do they say when they come up to your window? They say, “No big deal ma’am, but your license plate is dirty and it makes it hard to read.” What do I say in return, “Uhhhh, okay.” LOOONG AWKWARD PAUSE. Then they say, " So maybe just get that cleaned." Then they just walk away and get in their car. Thing learned, the conversation with a policeman upon getting pulled-over always ends awkwardly. Always.

24. Martha Stewart has given me an idea of what to do with all the giant fungi that grow in our yard. If these things grow back this summer, I’m going to make it into one of these. Thing learned, Martha can make ANYTHING look sophisticated.

Photographed by Roland Bello in Martha Stewart LIVING magazine


Only twice in a whole month? I swear I have better morals and ambitions than that. As proof, if you look back on my “To Do” list for each day in the month of March, you’ll see an unmarred “Blog.” Hopes were high. Here are the items that did get scratched off:

  • Make major life decisions that involve where you’re going and what you’re doing, or at least think REAL hard about them. (Check)
  • Gas up car. (Check x 11)
  • Find Birthday present for Abe that will remind him of why the space bar on old computer was stuck. (Check)
  • Run. No excuse unless it’s crop-dusting day. (Check)
  • Watch the movie Van Helsing, resulting in lost voice and sore neck. I too dodged every punch/spike/arrow. (Check)
  • MAKE a singing telegram birthday card that looks VERY homemade. (Check)
  • Do Taxes. (1/2 Check)
  • Mosiah 19 to Alma 60. (Check)
  • Make a blog out of not blogging. (Check)

Climbing back up on that wagon.