Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Balm of Gilead

Levin was born at 1:40pm.  Upon making his entrance and laying on my chest, I immediately noticed a smile with a dimple.  I thought, "Hmmmmm, where did that come from?  Ray and I don't have dimples."  As he lay there, I waited.  I waited some more.  I started to panic because it wasn't there.  I didn't feel overwhelmed with motherly love towards him.  I loved him, but I had a hard time feeling like he was mine.  He just felt like someone's sweet baby, but not my baby.  I even caught myself still rubbing my belly and talking to it after he was born... forgetting I didn't have a baby in there anymore.  I guess I was just expecting having a baby would feel a little differently.

Within a day or two, the feeling started to simmer up to the surface.  I started feeling it.  I noticed that performing acts of service for him was what made the feeling magnify.  Feeding him even though it hurt, changing his diapers and bathing him, all of these made me feel a growing connection to him.  Waking up in the middle of the night to care for him, that made it REALLY grow.

Today, as I held Levin, I thought about my first few hours with him and felt really glad that he doesn't feel like someone else's baby anymore.  He is Ray's and mine.  I also thought about how healing it is to hold a baby.  Not that I was wounded or needed healing, it just feels like all in the world is right when you hold a baby.

After holding him and thinking all these sentimental thoughts, I made him lay on the floor and spend his 30 minutes on his stomach.  He only likes that for about the first 5 minutes, then he starts whining and eventually crying wanting to be turned over.  I obviously got these pictures in the first 5 minutes and I obviously had a hard time picking my favorite.

And his gut spilleth over

Wasting what I worked so hard to make and give to him





Pay Day

12 comments:

Rachel said...

oh Cali... I just love him.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Me too.

I also loved your sentiments. I felt the same way and worried because I'd heard so many people tell of that immediate and overpowering love they felt for their new baby, and while I didn't dis-love our babies, I just didn't feel towards them what I did a few days later. I've come to think (and accept) that I go into an adrenalin shock in a new, big experience and it has to wear off a bit before I really feel what's real.

I couldn't pick a favorite picture either. I'm glad you posted them all. (And their captions. You are funny.)

I love you.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

I meant to comment about how healing holding a baby is. I concur. I concur. Even when you don't know you need a healing experience, there is just something about their heart and your heart beating so close to each other that just connects you to something bigger and better.

Deidra said...

After Amelia was born, all I could say was "this is our baby!" to Chris. That was such an overwhelming idea.

And yet for the next few weeks, I'd be looking at her in her crib and have to remind myself this wasn't an extra-long babysitting gig. She was mine to care for. Forever. I think it took me a while to wrap my head around such a big commitment (longer than gestation, that's for sure!)

He is gorgeous. Those eyes of his!

Ryan and Haley Krumblis said...

Cali,

Come visit me, I need Levin love. That is all.

Haley

Michelle said...

Ty and I can't get over how cute he is. We've got some fierce competition for making cute babies. :-) I hope ours gets Ty's blue eyes, so just maybe they can be as incredible as Levin's. We always love your posts Cali. Thanks!

Staffieri Family said...

He is seriously so adorable!! xo

tina said...

What beautiful blue eyes!!! Cutie!

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Just looking at him again . . .

Rachel said...

Oh Jane, that's funny. Me too -just looking at him again. And pretending I could smell him, and squeeze him, and kiss the top of his head, and make him smile. I don't know why I feel so connected to him. We all do. We all think WE should be the one to fly out and see him.

Rachel said...

He is too cute! And LONG. I agree about holding babies. It's hard to think about anything else when you hold them. They are just absorbing.

melanie said...

I'm hormonal at 32 wks pregnant but your post made me cry. So much work but the Balm of Gilead indeed. He's precious and I just know the top of hs head smells so good. Great post mama.

I loved your captions too.